How to heal from narcissistic abuse

There are quite a few misconceptions on narcissism. Some information is outdated and many times written by someone with a psychology or scientific background. These days we see more and more articles written by people who have the live experience at first hand and got abused by a person with narcissistic traits.

Some outdated believes

Narcissistic people are typically described as male and women are the victim, innocent victim. If you look online on the digital platforms of psychology you will see that mainly female participants talk about men. In the literature very few ladies will be labeled with Narcissism Personality Disorder. Unfortunately narcissism is an epidemic in the modern day society for both male and female.

Well respected psychiatrists and psychologists are saying that we need to stop calling narcissism a personality disorder. Narcissism is a response to trauma, narcissism is a defense mechanism to deal with a hostile environment from childhood and not a personality disorder. Nowadays 50% of the diagnosed narcissist are women.

What is co-idealization in a narcisistic relationship?

In the narcissistic abusive relationship between the narcissist and their victim(s) there is something called co-idealization. Not only that the narcissist idealizes the victim but that it has to become mutual. The narcissist purpose is to fuse and merge with the victim as with a mother to become one. And the purpose is to go from co-idealization fusing and merging with the victim as a child would do with the mother. 

But not as the victim, not as a human being, not as an individual but instrumentalized by the narcissist. This is one of the reasons why the victim is not respected as his own person and why the victim is not being seen.

The narcissist ultimate goal

The ultimate goal is going through the co-idealization fase into the fuse and merging fase into individuation. The victim needs to go from idealization into a process of being persecuted and knock the victim off the pedestal. They have to persecute the victim and have to make them a bad object so they can ultimately reject and discard the victim. The narcissist can finally push the victim away and individuate.

Why do we attract to a person with narcissistic traits? 

Why do we get attracted into these highly abusive relationships? Because there is something inside of us that is screaming to be healed. We got attracted and involved in a narcissistic relationship through our core wounds. The core wounds are a central issue, why people get attracted into narcissistic relationships.

The process of an open wound 

The core wound can be a product of early trauma abandonment and is getting activated through the trauma bond. The core wound is constantly activated by the narcissist and a key part of the trauma bond. If you get stuck in them you find it hard to heal afterwards. The best thing we can do is to recognize and acknowledge them.

The damage it makes on a personal level? 

Being in an abusive narcissistic relationship is stressful and stress has numerous impacts on your health. Tension of the muscles, headaches, diminished immune function can make you more vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses. Stress can make more severe the course of your illness.

The effect on you as a human, as the target of narcissism abuse is having a harmful effect on your personality and your wellbeing.  Narcissistic abuse victim syndrome is a cluster of symptoms which almost exactly matches PTSD.  Uncomfortable flashbacks, emotional deregulation, damaged sense of self, and addictions to name a few.

With devastating results as social isolation, lowering of serotonin levels, dropping down of the social hierarchy. We feel not significant, not contributed, we are not connected and we are not offering value anymore.

How to heal from the narcissist? 

Heal trauma from relationship with a narcissist and break the chains of your abuser. Moving on to preserve one’s mental health to defeat the abuser. The emotional process is a slow process. Healing really means that you no longer live in the service of the narcissist. Healing from narcissistic abuse involves A. no contact and B. disengagement from the narcissist. Or in some cases minimize contact and minimal response because of shared children.

Once you identify your core wounds then it’s time to recognize them. These wounds are not weaknesses or things to eliminate. Learn to bring them into the light and give them air which can make them less scary. Which will allow you to have more compassion with yourself.

Come join me and let me guide and facilitate you on your journey of recovery from narcissistic abuse.